The Patience Limit

So I'm typing this is after re-reading what I've written.  This post you're going to read gets kinda dark at the end.

I've been told I'm a patient person.  I have the ability to wait while others can't just sit still.  But I must disagree.  I'm not the most patient person all the time.  In fact, I hate waiting for things I look forward to.  But if they are events that I can't control the time in which it occurs (such as a present promised on a certain date), I just hold my frustration in and just wait.  That is the patience I get noticed for.  But to me, I don't think it's the healthy type.  Patience to me has always been coming to terms with the circumstances, and accepting it peacefully with grace and wisdom.  Weird, somewhat irrational, and not applicable in most cases, I know.  When I picture Patience in a human form, I think of an aging Kung Fu master in the sitting lotus position, meditating calmly on the side of a green mountain waiting for his tea to boil while the sun lights his hair with brilliance....
woah, really weird moment right there.

Anyways, I should start writing stuff that relates to the title.  Recently, a friend promised me a present of some sort.  What form it takes, I have no idea (yet).  It was supposed to be for Christmas, but she got busy, and did not complete it on time.  So she decided to move it to a later time, as a grad present.  Grad is at the end of May.
Like I said, I can be seen as patient. I was told I would receive the gift in the middle of January, and as soon as she told me that it wasn't ready, I was frustrated.  Not in a "I hate you, you should be more responsible" way.  More like "ah.  That sucks.  I can't wait!"  But, I knew when I would have it by, so I suppressed my frustration.  And I can turn it to satisfaction in late May.

She told me to be patient.  I asked, "how patient?"  I was then asked if I had a patience limit.  I never realized it, but I have never really had my patience tested to my breaking point.  Knowing myself, I might have a violent rage if I am pushed enough.  But I've done a pretty good job of keeping that in, conscious that I've been trained in more effective ways to hurt people.  One time, my sister was being extremely arrogant, so I yelled at her with language that is not normally allowed in my house.  Of course, she cried afterwards and I got in trouble...
Other than that, I have not been pushed with my patience more.  That was my only "popping" point.  Just as verbal outcry of literally 3 seconds.  However, I have had some terrible thoughts.  There's no shortage of people that would be dead right now had I did not use my strange yet effective suppression.
So when asked about my patience limit... I wondered what it would look like.  I don't know myself well enough to know exactly what I would do.  My go-to thought was harm other people.  But after a while, I thought that it would also be possible that I would cave and implode on myself.  I was told that there are two types of people who deal with anger: those who explode, and those who seem fine and then one day silently shoot someone.  Well as for me... I'm thinking I would seem fine for a long time... then cut everyone to pieces disregarding any future consequences.  Literally.
I don't really want to find out how I would look there.  Or how I would look like to other people.

I have officially found a new fear of mine: my breaking point.