The Patience Limit

So I'm typing this is after re-reading what I've written.  This post you're going to read gets kinda dark at the end.

I've been told I'm a patient person.  I have the ability to wait while others can't just sit still.  But I must disagree.  I'm not the most patient person all the time.  In fact, I hate waiting for things I look forward to.  But if they are events that I can't control the time in which it occurs (such as a present promised on a certain date), I just hold my frustration in and just wait.  That is the patience I get noticed for.  But to me, I don't think it's the healthy type.  Patience to me has always been coming to terms with the circumstances, and accepting it peacefully with grace and wisdom.  Weird, somewhat irrational, and not applicable in most cases, I know.  When I picture Patience in a human form, I think of an aging Kung Fu master in the sitting lotus position, meditating calmly on the side of a green mountain waiting for his tea to boil while the sun lights his hair with brilliance....
woah, really weird moment right there.

Anyways, I should start writing stuff that relates to the title.  Recently, a friend promised me a present of some sort.  What form it takes, I have no idea (yet).  It was supposed to be for Christmas, but she got busy, and did not complete it on time.  So she decided to move it to a later time, as a grad present.  Grad is at the end of May.
Like I said, I can be seen as patient. I was told I would receive the gift in the middle of January, and as soon as she told me that it wasn't ready, I was frustrated.  Not in a "I hate you, you should be more responsible" way.  More like "ah.  That sucks.  I can't wait!"  But, I knew when I would have it by, so I suppressed my frustration.  And I can turn it to satisfaction in late May.

She told me to be patient.  I asked, "how patient?"  I was then asked if I had a patience limit.  I never realized it, but I have never really had my patience tested to my breaking point.  Knowing myself, I might have a violent rage if I am pushed enough.  But I've done a pretty good job of keeping that in, conscious that I've been trained in more effective ways to hurt people.  One time, my sister was being extremely arrogant, so I yelled at her with language that is not normally allowed in my house.  Of course, she cried afterwards and I got in trouble...
Other than that, I have not been pushed with my patience more.  That was my only "popping" point.  Just as verbal outcry of literally 3 seconds.  However, I have had some terrible thoughts.  There's no shortage of people that would be dead right now had I did not use my strange yet effective suppression.
So when asked about my patience limit... I wondered what it would look like.  I don't know myself well enough to know exactly what I would do.  My go-to thought was harm other people.  But after a while, I thought that it would also be possible that I would cave and implode on myself.  I was told that there are two types of people who deal with anger: those who explode, and those who seem fine and then one day silently shoot someone.  Well as for me... I'm thinking I would seem fine for a long time... then cut everyone to pieces disregarding any future consequences.  Literally.
I don't really want to find out how I would look there.  Or how I would look like to other people.

I have officially found a new fear of mine: my breaking point.

Take what helps you!

The other day the missions class at school had a rehearsal for their band.  I'm not in their band or class, but being a senior and having experience in music, I decided that I would sit in to listen, enjoy, play along, and make suggestions.  I figured it would be better than playing alone. 
Unfortunately a girl (one of their singers) that was there didn't want my help.  I have no problem with people asking me not to help them, if they're respectful.  But the way the girl put it was... Personally aggravating.  She didn't mean any disrespect, but what she said kind of rubbed me the wrong way. 
She told me to stop singing because it was "messing her up".  Which I don't understand at all... Because the help I was trying to give was a basic skill: singing the melody.  The part everyone would sing along to.  I knew the song, and how it should go and sound.  And I was trying to help the rather disorganised band get that down first.  But the singer who asked me to leave was getting rid of her help... That doesn't make sense to me.  If she needs the melody and realises it, why would she want to get rid of the person who can help her?
...it was just aggravating.  I didn't see her logic, but she didn't kick me out with a bunch of attitude.  So I just left. 
After that I played out my frustration.  And decided that playing alone for that day was better after all. 

Awks...

This one's going to be a weird because it's flippin hard to put down what I have in mind right now. 
Recently, I had a conversation that made the other person feel really awkward.  However, I was perfectly fine.  Maybe because the other person said something that could be potentially embarrassing.  I thought, "it's fine, I don't feel awkward at all".  Right there, I had an epiphany...

I have done a pretty good job of eliminating common social awkwardness.  Such as saying goodnight and then starting another conversation,  passing other people when on a walk, going the same direction when trying to pass by each other, receiving/giving compliments to strangers, taking constructive criticism from an equal, or walking the same direction after saying goodbye.  A while ago I did exactly the last one with a friend, and she said it didn't feel awkward whatsoever because I didn't make it awkward.  Same went for a couple other people...

I came up with the idea that it takes two to feel awkward about your situation with another.  In person that is...
But over text or chat, you cannot read and feel expression as easily.  It's hard.  There is no vibe given from text, no facial expression, no observable body language like confidence and how the other carries themselves. 
I just think that if you have something important to say, do it in person.  It's easier to interpret, more expressive, and if you feel awkward, at least it will either be with someone else, or they will help you feel less awkward. 
Gah it's so hard to explain.  Time for sleep.