Signs that I'm not okay

-I crave chocolate
-Anime becomes boring
-When offered, I will eat candy without giving it second thought (normally, I would refuse)
-I actually want to work out
-There are red dots around my eyes (very few people know the reason for this)
-I get tongue tied more than usual (see my previous post: "I have a terrible remember")
-I can't spel or do gorrect crammar to save my life
-I practice piano hardcore
-I refuse shortbread (which is unheard of)
-I gather what I need for a shower, then find reasons to delay it for an hour or so
-I get agitated at the fact that the clocks in my room are not all ticking at exactly 60 BPM. I frown harder and harder while listening to the clocks slowly tick in and out of sync as the minutes go by.  Eventually, I get so fed up that I plug in headphones...
-I stay in my room not wanting to go anywhere
-I try to sleep unsuccessfully, even when I know I've overslept (not the late-for-school type of oversleep)
-I unlock my phone, open all social networks, close them, lock my phone, then repeat immediately
-I'm extremely mentally restless but physically look stoned
-I drink a lot of water.  A LOT.
-I question why there's sunlight at evening when it's perfectly normal
-Certain words look weird and make no sense as to why they are spelt that way (ex. sign, king, rhythm, quart, spelt)
-I start to entertain the idea of selling my valuables such as my guitars
-I look like I'm about to murder my family if they do so much as look at me
-I internally scream for sushi

I have a terrible remember

At school, we have a class in which I lead a band.  Two guitars, a drummer, one keys player, two vocalists, and me, on bass.  A while ago, I was telling a story... Until two out of the six of them said that I told them the story already.  I made sure: "Really?  All of you have heard it?"  Everyone nodded or said yes.  "Well then... I have a terrible remember..."

I instantly got weird looks and a restatement of my last sentence.

From this little anecdote, two things are revealed about me:

1.) I get tongue tied a lot.

Technically, English isn't my first language.  It's Chinese (Cantonese, in case you were wondering about the dialect). But when I went to an English speaking school, I lost all my Chinese.  Now I'm trying to re-learn it.  

Even though I've spoken English most of my life and have no accent, I still have the cursed talent of mixing up words, or even reversing syllables and individual letters between adjacent words (I think I picked this up from my mother).  For example, instead of saying "pots and pans", I would say "pats and pons".  Or I would replace the word "memory" with "remember", hence "I have a terrible remember".  Sometimes I would (somehow) insert a syllable of a (loosely) related word from the next sentence into the one I'm currently saying.  I have no idea how my brain does this.  For example:  "The food smelled good. So I ate it" would turn into "The food smate good... *pause and weird looks from people* smate... *laughter at the terrible abomination of a word I've created*".   I didn't even say "So I ate it" yet.  I somehow extracted the word "ate" before I said it and fused it with "smelled"...

One speech problem that I don't have and my parents do is the difference between "him" and "her".  In Chinese, there is no difference in gender when referring to someone.  They just always use "they" (that's the English equivalent).  Just imagine using "they" in place of "him" or "her" all the time.  That's why my parents mix up "he" and "she" all the time.  

2.) I have a rerrible temember.

This seems to happen with peoples names, faces, stories I've told, and important items and events that I tell myself not to forget.  In the last three days I have been out at public places (mall, church, etc.) around 4-5 people said "Hi Austin" and I just awkwardly said hi back having no idea who they were. My memory for these type of things are simply terrible (or timply serrible).  What was really embarrassing was when one of my friend's mom said hi to me and then continued walking in the direction she was going.  I turned to my friend and said, "I have no idea who that lady is."  My friend looked at me with an "are you serious" face and said, "that's my mom..." 

I remember last year a new girl joined our grade and was in my math class.  We sat close to each other, and introduced ourselves (let's call her Morgan).  That was the first class of the morning.  Six hours later, musical theatre started their after school rehearsals.  My mom was one of the vocal coaches and did one on one lessons with some of the students.  The lessons took place in the band room (practically my second house).  While my mom did the lessons in the practice room, I played piano in the main room, waiting for her to finish.  Morgan walked in for her lesson and when I looked up (no joke) I didn't recognize her.  At least, not as a person I just met.  My first thoughts were, "she looks familiar... where have I seen her?"  *sidenote: I am still giving myself a mental facepalm, even while typing this.*  Since I had no idea who she was, I just treated her like any other stranger: 

"Can I help you?"

"I'm here for the vocal lessons..."

"Right down that hall, the room to your right.  You can wait until the student ahead of you is done."

It wasn't until I looked at the time schedule that I learned where I had seen her before... *sigh*  

Being a jerk and not applauding.

If you have read enough posts or know me in person, you probably would know that the title of this post is sarcastic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the existence of applauses.  If a baby takes it's first steps, applause is appropriate. If an athlete scores a goal or wins a race, applause, whistling, and cheering often occurs. And if a Stormtrooper actually hits a target.... They deserve a standing ovation.  And a cookie.

But for me, whenever I see or hear a performance or message that is special, clapping just ruins it.  Usually the message/sound is powerful, profound, expressive, beautiful, meaningful, and/or produced from the bottom of the heart.  It means a lot to the performer, and their actions are not to be taken lightly.  Your reaction to them after speaking needs delicacy and respect.
When the speaker or performer is done... I feel that clapping disrupts the heavy, respect-demanding air that has been created.  It's just a noise... one tonal noise with a sharp attack and instant decay.  It pierces ears... and slashes the air like a blunt knife cutting through soft, damp wood.  So distracting.  And this noise has to be heard over and over again, until the gorgeous expression of one's soul is dismissed as pieces...
I can never enjoy the silence after a truly great and breathtaking performance.  I wish that I were the only human around to hear it.  I wish that I were the only being to hear it.

Clapping is something more of a celebratory gesture, with a "good job" mentality.  I never want to dismiss great works of depth with a simple "good job", I want to experience all of it; before, during, and after.  But, because of social norms, I'm always cheated the last part (and sometimes the whole thing).
I somehow need to find something else other than clapping to acknowledge performances such as these.  An action that shows my deep sincerity and acknowledgement without being distracting or noisy...  But what would that be?
Whenever I don't applaud, people give me death glares thinking I didn't appreciated the presented music/drama/whateveritmightbe.  I truly did enjoy... I just didn't want to participate in killing it.

Tough crowd...

I'm on a missions trip in Belize right now.  Our team has been around quite a few schools now, and most high schools shared something in common: a lot of people looked like they didn't want to be there.  We stood through a couple morning ceremony items; singing the national anthem, or school anthem.  Both were always halfhearted and unenthusiastic.  To be honest, it made my heart sink a little.  Every time the half-student body droned out the anthem of either the school or country, I thought, "oh boy, this is going to be low on energy".  In a way, I was right.  I could see it in the team.  Whether it was the heat or the lack of an enthusiastic audience, the team looked a little lethargic.  So, like usual, to combat the sloth inside most people at the moment, I jumped around, and put in extra energy to my music.  It had a little effect; the leader of the band seemed to pick up a bit.  A few kids starting moving a bit.  Needless to say, my efforts didn't really work too well.

I'm fine with little participation.  But what really got me was what came during the team dramas. 

If you don't know what dramas on missions trips are, they are short skits, sometimes put to music, sometimes with lines recited.  All missions dramas share something in common: they have a distinct message about Christ or Christ-like living.  The two that my team picked out to do at today's school were titled "Chains" and "Clincher".  Clincher is a little bit of a heavier drama, including the temptations of lust, depression, pride, drugs, and suicide.  It seems that every time Clincher is performed, the kids always talk amongst themselves and snicker at the team members acting out the message.  It frustrated me to see the disrespect that the students showed, and that the important message being shares was being dismissed by a lot of people.
As part of the choreography, a fist fight between Jesus and the devil occurs (symbolizing God fighting evil).  Every time kids see this scene, they lose it.   They laugh, point.  The ones who laugh at the drama just make me want to straighten then out so much. 

The staff members didn't really help either.  One staff member introduced us as " entertainment".  As soon as she said that I felt quite insulted and defeated.  I didn't like being treated as entertainment for other kids my age sitting high and mighty in the shade. Them laughing at my team members sweating under the unforgiving sun.

Ministering to high schools is not an easy thing.  It actually can be pretty discouraging. 

Thankfully, there are a few people who feel impacted by what we have to share.  I hold on to the tears and heartfelt movements of those people to keep on going.