Death

No, nobody close to me physically died.  Rest easy.

This tiny little corner of the internet I call Pointless Tales on the Internet is slowly dying.  Actually, it's dying really quickly.  If you follow this blog (and I know there are people who do), you know of my terrible inactivity in the last two months.  And some of you that know me in person have asked me about that.

Indeed, it's dying.  But not because of lack of things to write about.  I could use the "I don't have time" excuse... But I can't really say that when the first draft of each post is usually written at 2 a.m. Deep down, I know that answer lies in my recent apathy and lack of initiative towards anything.  I lost track of myself somewhere in this test called life, and everything from giant deep thoughts to simple tasks like taking out the trash kind of fell off into a hole.  I know that I said that I would start writing again in the previous post... But with what's going on right now, that doesn't seem entirely possible.  I'm blatantly lost.  I would further go into detail, but that'd take a while... I'll just say that thinking is a lot harder than it used to be.
Just this post took a lot more effort than it really should have.  I'm not even bothering with editing; I'm just writing the first things that come to mind.  It probably doesn't sound very good.

So I need to figure things out.  Until then, I'm signing off.

-Austin

The Prince and His Unwanted World

Yet another rant.

Don't get confused, it's not that the prince's world is unwanted by others.  It's that he doesn't want to be the prince.

I'm the son of an influential person of the medical world.  It's not so high of status that my father can change the country's healthcare system like a politician, but it is high enough for a lot of people to view me as the spoiled child of the boss.  My father has quite a few employees, more than just a normal sized clinic.  And being the boss' kid, it's easy to get benefits... a good childhood pastime was stealing goodies from the staff room, usually cookies or donuts.  And there was raiding the fridge for the stash of soda that anyone was welcome to take... if they worked there.  But when you're the boss' kid, who's going to stop you?

Such benefits continue into teenage years, with more added... one being the job benefit.  For example, this summer I'm not in town for the month of August; my family is going on a three week long trip.  And for the last week, I'm going to an all day camp (an intensive music camp).  Who is going to hire a fresh-out-of-highschool student for only a month?  Why waste your time on a kid that will only work for half the time and 1.4x the price compared to the eager teenagers starting to explore the workforce?

These questions can be ignored when you are the boss' kid.  It's uncommon for someone to challenge it. 

But being on top of the the small world in front of me is not something I enjoy.  With it comes everyone's judgement.  No one learns who you are as a stranger... you are already seen as a royalty that needs to be protected and attended to.  And should you somehow wrong them, you will get a good talking to, or even lose your job.  Your junior co-worker has more benefits than you, could potentially get paid more, and has flexible hours than you do.  It makes sense that they would judge me off the bat. 

It is very agreeable by everyone who meets him: the manager is naturally abrasive.  Very naturally abrasive.  He is good at what he does because of his personality, but a lot of people don't like dealing with him.  One time, my father couldn't take me to school after work, and asked the manager to do it as a favor.  Then for every person that asked him of his next whereabouts, he told them that he was leaving briefly to chauffeur the little prince.  

...That's uncalled for.  And not what I want to be remembered as.

 If you are the son or daughter of an employer, or of an influential person of society, you might know what I experience.  Whether you be a son of a doctor, a daughter of a high school principal, or the president's kid, you know that you have potential power.  It can be abused very easily.  And many people under you fear it.

But as for me and many others, we do not want this power.  We don't want to be feared as kids that could potentially make someone lose their job or get them in trouble.  We don't want jealous sighs of senior employees heard behind our backs.  We just want to be recognized as ourselves, just like anyone else.  

To my math teacher

Where I live, final year high school math is divided into three levels: 30-2, 30-1, and 31.  30-2 is for students who do not need higher math for university, or simply would like that level of challenge.  30-1 is is the harder course, mandatory for students aiming to be doctors of lawyers.  Math 31 is calculus, essential for aspiring engineers and such.  Being the failure of an Asian I am, I naturally took math 30-2.  A good mark in 30-2 would look a lot better than a barely passing mark in 30-1 on my transcript, so I took the path that would suit me better (despite my parent's protest).

Now you must understand that there is a joke in my school that creates a social divide of -1 and -2 students (well, not quite a social divide, but I think you get the idea).  -2 is always referred to as the "not as smart class".  In some ways, I must agree.  However, I think it's more like the -2 class is less motivated to work.  Maybe it's because they feel like they can't accomplish as much because they are in a -2 class.  Or maybe it's because they simply don't care.  Whatever their reason, the majority of the -2 class I am currently in doesn't take the course seriously.  They joke around, talk while the teacher is teaching, and play against each other in various games on their phones.

My math teacher is a pretty patient guy.  Or maybe a better description is "extremely tolerant".  Most of my classmates clearly don't give a crap about math, and have barely done any work. 
My teacher has never taken anyone's cellphone away.  He's never vocalized his frustration to the lack of attention paid to the lesson, nor the lack of respect.  He's never yelled at any of us.  He's always kept his cool... but sometimes it doesn't work.  The other day, he stopped talking in the middle of a quiz review to try get a chatty group's attention... you know, the "silence-to-get-your-student's-attention" method.  It didn't really work that well.  He stood at the board for a good two minutes (yes, 120 seconds) before it quieted down a bit.  Even after that, he still had to interrupt and ask them if we were good to continue.  Of course, the automated response was given, he carried on, and the students continued chatting.

The poor guy needs a break.  He's not a bad teacher at all; I'm doing well in his class, fully understanding him.  If people would actually pay attention to him, they wouldn't think he is such a bad teacher.  I can't imagine how it is like being a teacher losing sleep over how your students might do on a provincial exam worth half their grade.

So to my extremely tolerant teacher: on behalf of my classmates, I apologize for their irresponsibility.  Your seemingly unending patience is greatly appreciated by at least me, if no one does.  Even though I hate the idea of graduating, I enjoyed working with you this year. 

The Relatable Musician 4

DON'T CLAP IN BETWEEN MOVEMENTS OF A PIECE!!!!

Signs that I'm not okay

-I crave chocolate
-Anime becomes boring
-When offered, I will eat candy without giving it second thought (normally, I would refuse)
-I actually want to work out
-There are red dots around my eyes (very few people know the reason for this)
-I get tongue tied more than usual (see my previous post: "I have a terrible remember")
-I can't spel or do gorrect crammar to save my life
-I practice piano hardcore
-I refuse shortbread (which is unheard of)
-I gather what I need for a shower, then find reasons to delay it for an hour or so
-I get agitated at the fact that the clocks in my room are not all ticking at exactly 60 BPM. I frown harder and harder while listening to the clocks slowly tick in and out of sync as the minutes go by.  Eventually, I get so fed up that I plug in headphones...
-I stay in my room not wanting to go anywhere
-I try to sleep unsuccessfully, even when I know I've overslept (not the late-for-school type of oversleep)
-I unlock my phone, open all social networks, close them, lock my phone, then repeat immediately
-I'm extremely mentally restless but physically look stoned
-I drink a lot of water.  A LOT.
-I question why there's sunlight at evening when it's perfectly normal
-Certain words look weird and make no sense as to why they are spelt that way (ex. sign, king, rhythm, quart, spelt)
-I start to entertain the idea of selling my valuables such as my guitars
-I look like I'm about to murder my family if they do so much as look at me
-I internally scream for sushi

Tough crowd...

I'm on a missions trip in Belize right now.  Our team has been around quite a few schools now, and most high schools shared something in common: a lot of people looked like they didn't want to be there.  We stood through a couple morning ceremony items; singing the national anthem, or school anthem.  Both were always halfhearted and unenthusiastic.  To be honest, it made my heart sink a little.  Every time the half-student body droned out the anthem of either the school or country, I thought, "oh boy, this is going to be low on energy".  In a way, I was right.  I could see it in the team.  Whether it was the heat or the lack of an enthusiastic audience, the team looked a little lethargic.  So, like usual, to combat the sloth inside most people at the moment, I jumped around, and put in extra energy to my music.  It had a little effect; the leader of the band seemed to pick up a bit.  A few kids starting moving a bit.  Needless to say, my efforts didn't really work too well.

I'm fine with little participation.  But what really got me was what came during the team dramas. 

If you don't know what dramas on missions trips are, they are short skits, sometimes put to music, sometimes with lines recited.  All missions dramas share something in common: they have a distinct message about Christ or Christ-like living.  The two that my team picked out to do at today's school were titled "Chains" and "Clincher".  Clincher is a little bit of a heavier drama, including the temptations of lust, depression, pride, drugs, and suicide.  It seems that every time Clincher is performed, the kids always talk amongst themselves and snicker at the team members acting out the message.  It frustrated me to see the disrespect that the students showed, and that the important message being shares was being dismissed by a lot of people.
As part of the choreography, a fist fight between Jesus and the devil occurs (symbolizing God fighting evil).  Every time kids see this scene, they lose it.   They laugh, point.  The ones who laugh at the drama just make me want to straighten then out so much. 

The staff members didn't really help either.  One staff member introduced us as " entertainment".  As soon as she said that I felt quite insulted and defeated.  I didn't like being treated as entertainment for other kids my age sitting high and mighty in the shade. Them laughing at my team members sweating under the unforgiving sun.

Ministering to high schools is not an easy thing.  It actually can be pretty discouraging. 

Thankfully, there are a few people who feel impacted by what we have to share.  I hold on to the tears and heartfelt movements of those people to keep on going. 

The one time when spending my money is hard...

My father's birthday was celebrated recently.  So being the best son ever I got him... Nothing.  Well, besides a card and my thoughtfulness, nothing.  I know that it's the thought that counts, but I felt rather disappointed in myself that I couldn't find a suitable present, or find time to look for one for that matter. 

Finding good presents for my parents is not a simple task, especially for someone like me who is not very good at picking out gifts.  Despite composing being my passion, I generally lack creativity, and struggle with original ideas.  Usually most clever puns, smart ideas or even musical compositions are stolen from somewhere else. 

The other option is to go out and buy something.  Also not an easy task.  Why?  They have next to no preferences.  There are very few things that they want that a broke teenager's money can buy.  I asked my father what he would like, and he said a Ford 2014 diesel F-150.  For the fuel efficiency.  Plus we need a truck, for practical purposes.  We can't ask our truck-owning neighbours for favours forever. 
Other than that, there's nothing I can get him that he will like and use only for himself.

So when I handed him the card I had prepared, I felt a little inadequate.  It's not like I completely failed.  But I feel like I didn't do everything that I could have (because I didn't).

The Patience Limit

So I'm typing this is after re-reading what I've written.  This post you're going to read gets kinda dark at the end.

I've been told I'm a patient person.  I have the ability to wait while others can't just sit still.  But I must disagree.  I'm not the most patient person all the time.  In fact, I hate waiting for things I look forward to.  But if they are events that I can't control the time in which it occurs (such as a present promised on a certain date), I just hold my frustration in and just wait.  That is the patience I get noticed for.  But to me, I don't think it's the healthy type.  Patience to me has always been coming to terms with the circumstances, and accepting it peacefully with grace and wisdom.  Weird, somewhat irrational, and not applicable in most cases, I know.  When I picture Patience in a human form, I think of an aging Kung Fu master in the sitting lotus position, meditating calmly on the side of a green mountain waiting for his tea to boil while the sun lights his hair with brilliance....
woah, really weird moment right there.

Anyways, I should start writing stuff that relates to the title.  Recently, a friend promised me a present of some sort.  What form it takes, I have no idea (yet).  It was supposed to be for Christmas, but she got busy, and did not complete it on time.  So she decided to move it to a later time, as a grad present.  Grad is at the end of May.
Like I said, I can be seen as patient. I was told I would receive the gift in the middle of January, and as soon as she told me that it wasn't ready, I was frustrated.  Not in a "I hate you, you should be more responsible" way.  More like "ah.  That sucks.  I can't wait!"  But, I knew when I would have it by, so I suppressed my frustration.  And I can turn it to satisfaction in late May.

She told me to be patient.  I asked, "how patient?"  I was then asked if I had a patience limit.  I never realized it, but I have never really had my patience tested to my breaking point.  Knowing myself, I might have a violent rage if I am pushed enough.  But I've done a pretty good job of keeping that in, conscious that I've been trained in more effective ways to hurt people.  One time, my sister was being extremely arrogant, so I yelled at her with language that is not normally allowed in my house.  Of course, she cried afterwards and I got in trouble...
Other than that, I have not been pushed with my patience more.  That was my only "popping" point.  Just as verbal outcry of literally 3 seconds.  However, I have had some terrible thoughts.  There's no shortage of people that would be dead right now had I did not use my strange yet effective suppression.
So when asked about my patience limit... I wondered what it would look like.  I don't know myself well enough to know exactly what I would do.  My go-to thought was harm other people.  But after a while, I thought that it would also be possible that I would cave and implode on myself.  I was told that there are two types of people who deal with anger: those who explode, and those who seem fine and then one day silently shoot someone.  Well as for me... I'm thinking I would seem fine for a long time... then cut everyone to pieces disregarding any future consequences.  Literally.
I don't really want to find out how I would look there.  Or how I would look like to other people.

I have officially found a new fear of mine: my breaking point.

Take what helps you!

The other day the missions class at school had a rehearsal for their band.  I'm not in their band or class, but being a senior and having experience in music, I decided that I would sit in to listen, enjoy, play along, and make suggestions.  I figured it would be better than playing alone. 
Unfortunately a girl (one of their singers) that was there didn't want my help.  I have no problem with people asking me not to help them, if they're respectful.  But the way the girl put it was... Personally aggravating.  She didn't mean any disrespect, but what she said kind of rubbed me the wrong way. 
She told me to stop singing because it was "messing her up".  Which I don't understand at all... Because the help I was trying to give was a basic skill: singing the melody.  The part everyone would sing along to.  I knew the song, and how it should go and sound.  And I was trying to help the rather disorganised band get that down first.  But the singer who asked me to leave was getting rid of her help... That doesn't make sense to me.  If she needs the melody and realises it, why would she want to get rid of the person who can help her?
...it was just aggravating.  I didn't see her logic, but she didn't kick me out with a bunch of attitude.  So I just left. 
After that I played out my frustration.  And decided that playing alone for that day was better after all. 

CHRISTMAS!! (Sorta)

Yay for more unbearable pessimism from me! (If you don't like pessimism, expression of disappointment, hate Christmas haters, or just hate hearing people whine and complain, don't keep reading.  Seriously, stahp.)

So today is the day that we've all been waiting for.  Presents, smiles, and fattening yourself up so you have less motivation to get in shape after New Years.  Honestly, I don't feel really excited about it.  It's here; just another day.  Like any other. This morning I woke up, and I didn't do anything much different. 
Most kids wake up like they just consumed one of those giant big gulps from 7-11. 
AH MAH GARSH ITS CHRISTMASPRESENTSCANDYSUGARCHOCOLATEPRESENTSPRESENTSFOODPRESENTS!!!!

I just woke up, checked what time it was, and tried to go back to sleep.  Like any other lazy weekend day.  Or day off for that matter. 
I obviously am/was not excited for Christmas.  However, I still looked forward to it.  I finally got free time to relax and spend it with my family.  It started out pretty good.  We woke up, and opened presents.  We all appreciated what we each got, and thanked our mother for getting us great gifts that not only we wanted, but needed as well.  After that, we had a great brunch, and...

Started working.  Now, I understand it's a good move.  Start now, get lots done so you can enjoy yourself in the last parts of the break. So I actually got quite a bit done. 
Although, I must say I was rather disappointed with my family's decision of what  to do for the afternoon besides work.  Of all thing to do after a decent amount of work was done... It had to be movie.  I don't think there's anything wrong with watching movies.  Its just that in movies you do not interact with each other.  You sit and watch a screen.  Unless you're talking with who you're watching with, you aren't actually interacting with them. 

I recently decided that I should value my family more.  I really took them for granted.  Someone asked me to think of the most depressing thought for Christmas, and I answered with the terrible Christmas' that kids with newly divorced parents will have.  I then realised how much I actually undervalued my family and decided that I should treasure this year's Christmas moments with them.  But I was disappointed when I didn't get to for very long. 
If I count up how much time my family spent together interacting on Christmas, it comes to about 2 hours.  3 and a half if you include the meals.  I find that just... Sad.  I was looking forward to Christmas to give the people I live with my smile and share joy.  But I didn't get very long to do it.  I'm not trying to be a complaining bratty kid who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas.  I just feel really... Disappointed. 

Minecraft>human interaction

There are guests at my house right now.  Two families, both with younger kids (3-8).  I was fully prepared to engage and play with them.  All my Sunday school and babysitting training was to be put to good use today (for once).  But when they arrived... They sat down on the couch, pulled out iPads and iPhones, and started building their worlds and then blowing it up in Minecraft.  First of all, just blowing things up with TNT in Minecraft gets boring pretty quick, I don't see how they do it for so long. 
More importantly, what happened to interacting with people?  Like the clumsy teenage host that was ready to tolerate children for a day? 
Before they arrived I was texting a friend, and was prepared to tell her that I needed to stop texting for a bit to entertain guests.  But after seeing my unwanted usefulness, I decided not to stop the conversation.  Besides, I like talking with her (same girl that I talked about in my post "FINISH YOUR WORK!").

All the adults were not interested in conversation with me, and when I sat down with them, the conversation turned into small talk.  They were obviously not willing to talk with me, even if I made the effort to be entertaining.  They came to see my parents, the people who invited them. 

So here I am in my room typing this out while the adults chat and the children play... By themselves. And only themselves.   

In my defense, I tried.  I asked two of them, "want to go upstairs to the playroom?  We have lots of toys and games we could play".  My responses were "no thanks" and "wait, I need to finish the TNT tower". 

In my opinion, the kids were prepared for today in two possible ways:
-Give them electronics to keep them quiet.
-Train them to use electronics so they keep quiet on their own. 
Probably both. 

I'm just thinking, what's the point in bringing your kids with you just to have  them look at and tap a screen all day? 
Another thing that just makes me mad...

Sorry if I don't use your name.

So recently my parents have clamped down and pressured me to say their titles when I talk to them.  This is normal; understandable for most parents.  Its basic respect for a child to say the name of the person they are addressing.  However, there are some points where it's not necessarily... Necessary. 

You should address the person:
You see a friend at the mall, but they don't see you.  So you call out to them.  Using their name.  Not just "hey you!".  At least that's what's expected.  Some people insult them to get attention, or some other creative way that I'm not ready to think of right now...

You don't have to address the person:
Teacher: did you finish your homework?
You: yes/no... (Depending what type of student you are)
It was not absolutely necessary to say "Yes, Mrs. Johnson, I finished.  The last episode of Bleach.  Finally." You can just say yes or no.  But my parents think that should an situation such as greetings occur, I must address them. It has become a rule in the house:
"Hi Austin."
"Hi."
"WHATS MY NAME WHY DIDNT YOU SAY IT AM I JUST A PIECE OF MATTER EXISTING HERE AND THATS IT ARRGGFHAHCJRNSPEJEBEE"

...Well that's definitely a hyperbole but you get the point. 

Actually, if I don't use your name in unnecessary name addressing situations, I think its a sign of familiarity.  It means I'm comfortable with you and that I don't need to be so formal and have my guard up.  Guarding what, I'm not entirely sure. Still have to figure that out. 

I address people I'm not so familiar with, but still know their names.  Like... Classmates.  A couple days back before class: "Morning Janelle." If it was any of my friends, I would have simply grogged out a "morning" or "hi", because I'm usually not awake yet.  Sometimes, if I'm really not ready for human daytime function yet, I don't even say anything. 

So to my parents, please don't be offended if I don't say your name when not necessary.  I'm not trying to insult or disrespect you.

Then there's a last group of people who I actually address with their name, when unnecessary.  However, its different than the acquaintances mentioned above.  These people are special, precious.  They mean a lot to me.  I may not use this all the time with them, but when I use it, I'm a little conscious of who I say it to. 

Really?

Okay so I came across another anger inducing item on the internet today (who doesn't?).

The question of the day on the website ask.fm today (actually a couple days ago because this draft is old) was "How do you make a woman happy?".  I looked through people's answers, and this is one I found...

buy her starbucks   (okay)
compliment her      (makes sense)
touch her butt         (...what?)

There's more but after I read the third one I was pretty pissed.  If I had a girlfriend (in which I currently don't) I would not intrude her personal space like that, even if she was okay with it.  If she was okay with it, she probably wouldn't be my girlfriend anyways.
What really got me was the last sentence:

do this and i promise you youll get her

First of all, the writer could have learned to edit his writing... Not that I have the right to say so myself.
But seriously, why do people like this type of stuff?  Personally I think people on the internet need to get a filter for their heads.  I don't care if some guys or girls work this way, I still think it's not right.  You can't promise everyone who reads that post that the girl you want will be happy if you follow those guidelines!   Everyone is unique, and has their own preferences.  One person's standards of what makes his ideal girl happy is not going to please all the other girls out there.

ugh it just makes me so mad.

This disgusts me.

I was going through my Facebook newsfeed when I saw something that caught my eye.  Take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWVV__VWw7Q


I don't have much to say besides that our world is turning into it's own monster.  Scratch that, our world is already there.  For those of us fortunate enough to live in the riches countries of the world, this is completely unacceptable behaviour.  We have plenty, but apparently that only drives us to crave more, and rush into Walmarts like wild animals.

Really, I can't put into words how mad I am at the ungrateful humans of the first world countries right now.

Parent teacher interviews suck.

Another really pessimistic rant about what I don't like about my parents, read if you so fancy on my probably ignorant views on my parents.  Typing on an iPad so sorry if the grammar sucks.

So parent teacher interviews happened recently.  I had hoped that this year would go smooth considering that I've picked up my marks a little.  But I was kinda wrong.

Every year after PTI my parents tell me what my teachers said about me, what I needed to fix, and that they have to nag me too much and so on.  I get it, since I have terrible academic work ethics (despite being Asian lol).  I'm really lazy.  And that is exactly what my biology teacher said as the first thing to my parents this year.  That didn't really bug me though since I already knew that since like grade 2.  What I didn't like was that at one point of my parent's lecture was that they said "we need you to get this proper work ethic in your head".  I completely disagree.  I need myself to get a good work ethic.  My parents don't need me to get it, they gain the satisfaction and pride of their successful son if I get it.  They can go without that.  Me on the other hand, if I want to get anywhere that I want to be in life, I have to work hard for it.  So it bugged me that my parents said that I need to "get it right for them".  I know that by not doing as well as they want me to it compels them to nag me to do better, but that is completely their decision.  If they are looking to "end the suffering of playing bad guy", then they could simply stop. But then comes the whole factor of "we can't do that because we love you too much for that."  Unfortunately, I am rather stupid in that dialect of the love language.  Sorry.  

Ugh I'm relly tired right now.  I just re-read what I have written so far and it sounds like crap... Oh well.  I'm too tired to care and edit it to my satisfaction.  

From talking about marks, we transitioned into universities.  Pretty much, they restated the obvious: if I want to go to the level I want to be, I need to move out of town to a better program.  All the programs where I live are not mediocre, but not great either.  Let's say not outstanding.  That's a better way of putting it.  I haven't applied anywhere yet, because I don't know enough about the university that I'm looking at going to.  I get that I need an application in ASAP.  But the factor that practically made me want to vent my anger is that my mother talked about another student my age that she knew who had applied to the place she wants to go alread.  She is completely a high achiever, with the marks of typical valedictorians.  I think it's okay for my mother to mention someone else as an example.  But talking about how great they are and why they are great for  a while is a bit much.  Too much.  It's like taunting me and saying, "why can't you be like this person?" I don't like being compared to other people like that, against people in which there seems to be no possible way I can reach the attitude and aptitude displayed, even admired by others. 

 I think this is where the line between inspiration and defeating self-esteem come in.  Inspiration and looking up to people comes from "I want to be like them". A deflation of self-esteem and morales would be "why can't you be like so-and-so?"  The latter is a little bit of what I experienced in the lecture metioned above.  A little deflating.  Actually very deflating.  Normally, I'd get pretty upset at this and fight back, causing a really long argument, but that night I was too tired to care.   

Ouch.

So today was really stressful.  Our cast and crew that are to be sent off to Scotland for the fringe festival just finished possibly our longest rehearsal: around 5 hours.  We had a short break somewhere there to eat a supper, and on the way there somehow me and my mother got into a conversation about university.  I forget how we got into the subject, but at one point I said that there were probably people there that didn't want to be there.  This was apparently surprising to her. She had always thought that it was completely a student's choice.  So I told her that some parents would force their kids to go to college.  Although I don't think it's very common, I'm pretty sure it does happen.  She asked me, "so I can force you to go to university?"  I just replied with a simple "if you wanted to...". It's not like she has to, I was planning to do so anyways.  Then she said something that troubled my mind for the next good hour until rehearsal got into full swing again.  "Well even if I didn't force you, you wouldn't go on your own anyways.  So there". 
...That hurt.  Quite a bit.  I did research on multiple places I would like to go to.  I've entered for multiple scholarships.  If it weren't for the Scotland trip, I'd be working.  I've done my best during summer school.  I've studied for my diploma tomorrow (I feel quite prepared, if you're wondering).  But today, my efforts were all just insulted.  Today I found out that my mother does not expect a lot out of me.  I feel... Really neglected right now. Somewhat crushed.  Like how they tell you to the sky is the limit, when you wanted to be an astronaut. 
I remember a story that my father told me a while back.  He said that in China, the teachers all told you that you suck.  And they hound you on your mistakes and make you feel really bad about yourself.  When asked what your dream was for yourself in the future, if it was something big, they would laugh in your face and say that it would never happen.  And when the students grow up and achieve their dreams, the teacher would simply say they only insulted their dreams to motivate them to work harder.  I can understand tough love, but not to that degree.  That's more like deceit for the student's own good.  And that's only if the student really does work harder.  What if they just simply break down, accepting their teacher's words?  Then the "tough love" turns into dream crushing. 
So is what my mother saying tough love?  I don't think so.  That statement wouldn't motivate me to work harder, because I already was going to do what she wanted me to do.  It just made me feel bad.  Am I going to quit on going to university?  Of course not.  Am I going to stop doing my best?  Nope.  However, whatever I do, I now permanently have this thought in the back of my mind: no matter how much I succeed in the next year or so, my mother is not expecting great things.  Its a bad thing that she doesn't trust me.  But on the other hand its a good opportunity to surprise her.  I must admit that my track record of being an average grade student contributes to her mental standing of my potential.  However, that doesn't mean that as a parent she can completely give up hope on anything good from her child. 

And straying off my point a little, I just had an interesting thought (at least to me).  Remember the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? Well it's (I hope) common knowledge that words really do hurt.  But what I never thought of was that sticks and stones only hurt for a couple days, maybe longer if you broke your bones (or maybe they don't hurt at all if you died from it).  But words do hurt, and not just for a couple days, but sometimes for a long time.  Now if you're insensitive like a couple people I know (you know who you are) then I guess it doesn't matter as much.  But what about those people who are... Less so hard hearted? 
So they say words never hurt?  Bullsh*t.  Words stun people, scar them, change their mentalities and attitudes, and makes them rant on blogs that barely anyone reads.... Oh wait.

What bugs me a lot...

I hate it when people express some interest into a topic that I'm happy to explain, and then once I'm half done, my audience clearly loses interest.  I mean, I'm not a really long winded person (even though it sometimes feels like I am.) I won't give you an hour lecture on how Mozart influences dubstep.  So when my father asked me what dubstep was, I tried giving him a good explanation.  I couldn't really give a great answer, so I decided to show him once we got home.  The thing about my father is that he's a very busy man whether he is working or not.  I tried showing him a good example of dubstep (Skrillex).  Literally not 3 seconds after the bass drop, he left to do something else.  Like hello?  I remembered that you were interested, but you gave me a slap to the face as an audience just by leaving in the manner you did!  I get it that it's around dinner time and the table needs to be set.  I'd understand if he just said that.  However, he didn't.  He just left, without a word.  He does this consistently.  Not just him, but my mother too.  I wonder if other parents do this to their kids as well.
They say the older generation can not stand the culture the youth are creating because they don't understand it.  I'm just trying to show them the culture I enjoy.  But if the older people don't even try to appreciate it, they never will.  The same goes for the younger generation.  If we as children and teens do not try appreciating older culture then we never will. 
If you're interested in someone else's hobby or interest, don't just leave and give up silently.  At least have the courtesy to say that you've lost the interest in the topic.  At the very least do that.  Otherwise you seem really offensive. 

Bus ride!

So I'm sitting here on the bus, a little bored.  We just finished watching the Hobbit, which I half watched, and half slept through.  My friend beside me is playing a card game in which I have no interest, and the people on my right are playing matchmaking.  And they look like they are enjoying it waaaaay too much.  I can't lie, I would probably enjoy it too.  And as much as I wanted to say something, it didn't really look like they were interested in including anybody.  I thought a little to myself, "what makes topics like these so interesting?"

It took me a while.  It's matchmaking.  Who wouldn't want to share their opinions on other's compatibilities with another person, and giggle on how good or bad it would be?  I gotta admit, it's actually really fun to mess with or imagine other peoples love lives and discuss it with others.  Its like discussing shipping.  (Google it if you don't know)
Then a different perspective hit me: it's fun to imagine these things.  But what if you actually try to put it in motion?  Is that really okay?  You're manipulating two peoples emotions to satisfy your imagination, it's like playing god (sorta).  So is it really for the better or the worst?  What if its well intended?  What if two people would be really be good for each other, but you as a friend thinks they need a little push?
I happened to be one of those people in a couple that "needed a little push".  So we were given one by a common friend.  But right now, I'm still not really sure whether it was a good idea or not.  We had started the relationship, and the best and worst times of my life occurred.  When it was still going on, I thought it was a really bad thing.  But now, I'm not so sure.  Was my past (and only) relationship a more positive relationship, or a more negative relationship?
So when I heard the people beside me discussing how they can start couples going together (just theories)  I kind of went into a down mode of tuning people out so I could think of an answer. 
I couldn't think of one, so I decides to write this down.  I still don't have an answer.
Why does love have to be such a simple yet complex drama-inducing topic? 

My family

So today I was at a youth year end party.  At one point, we started talking about extended family.  I was asked about my family, and I instantly tensed a little.  The closest relatives awe had living to us was just 30 minutes away.  However, we never get together where family normally would, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Chinese New Year.  Why?  My parents and my uncle and aunt butt heads.  It kinda started with my little sister.  She was really young, and hadn't really learned manners yet.  One thing was clear: she hated girly things.  Anything pink to her was deadly.  So when my aunt got her pink Dora sandals for her 6th birthday, she made a sour face and refused it.  My aunt, being a little of a penny pincher, didn't like my sister's reaction.  She kind of took it out on my mom.  When they say in-laws don't get along, its definitely true here.  Over the past couple years some nasty emails have flown and I didn't enjoy hearing them one bit.  My grandparents came from Hong Kong  to visit 2 years ago.  Somehow, my parents and my uncle and aunt got in a fight while they where visiting.  My parents didn't like the situation we where in, so my dad did the apologetic gesture of pouring tea for everyone at dinner.  Even after that, we still had tension without even seeing each other.  My parents sent them money as a Christmas gift, knowing that they had low income.  However, our Christmas card from them arrived with the money we just sent them. 
Recently, my uncle invited us to attend his ceremony that promotes him from pastor to reverend.  I have to admit, I didn't have a good time.  I'm happy for him achieving a major milestone in his life, but I didn't like the fact that our two families barely interacted.  All I remembered was a picture, and that's it.  We didn't even sit together.
So why do I hate talking about extended family?  Because the relationships are not good.  It's that awkward relationship in which you aren't flat out hating each other, nor are you on good terms.  It's in the middle, and it hurts me to think about it.  It makes me hate family reunion.

And most our other relatives live in China.  So we don't see our whole extended family a lot.  But why can't we get along with our brothers and sisters that just live a half hour drive away?

Splash damage parenting

So my mother got quite upset at my younger sister today.  Very upset.  I didn't really see anything, but just from listening it sounded verbally violent.  Out of curiosity, I went to see what was up.  I entered the kitchen, and the first thing that I saw out of place was a hat.  It was hanging on a cabinet knob, high up in a place where my sister would have to climb to get it.  I timidly asked, "why is there a hat up there?"  Obviously my mom didn't hear me.  So I asked again, a little louder.  Still wasn't loud enough, but she heard that I was saying something.  So to have me repeat it, she yelled at me: "WHAT?" Her voice was like the loud voice used when disciplining a problem child.  So I decided to kind of stop. 

I can understand of you need to discipline your kid.  But I did nothing wrong!  Please don't take your anger out on me!  I'm just a bystander!  And also, please don't take it out on the door.  After all, you're the one who told me not to slam the door when you're mad...