My weird habit

Of course everyone has habits.  Some stranger than others.  I happen to have one that seems offensive to people.

When talking to some people, I don't make eye contact.  Obvious enough to make me seem rude.  The exception is when I meet someone new, or I'm talking to an authority figure that could easily influence me, like the principal, police officers, or anyone that I respect a lot who I'm having a serious conversation with. 

Why do I not look at people? Firstly, I think I require a bit more effort for me to pay attention to people than most people.  I'm not a very good audio learner, so listening to someone requires my full attention.  Otherwise I might not actually listen to everything they say.  And one thing that distracts me is actually their face.  The person that I talk to always has an emotion (considering that the "emotionless" face is an emotion) and how it may ever so slightly change is distracting sometimes.  I start to wonder what is going on in their head rather than register and process what they are saying to me.  As a result, I look around aimlessly, not at a specific object, and concentrate on what they are saying.  I saw a video of me doing it once, and it half looks like staring off into space and half actively looking for something (ironic, I know).

For the people who fall in the exception category, they are the people where I thought presenting myself with the best manners possible trumps my strange method of concentration.  Of course, this means that I have to ignore their face while still looking at their face, which is hard.  I usually end up staring at them really hard and completely lose them, or look at them with dead eyes.  If I can't aimlessly look around, I just need to aimlessly look in one place. 
Now the weird thing is that when I say "dead eyes", it doesn't look like it.  To me, I literally do as described above.  But to everyone else who doesn't know, it looks like I'm actively showing full attention and engagement of the conversation. 

Over the years I've gotten better at balancing my attention and face studying. 

If you know me, sorry if I don't look at you when speaking.  I'm just trying to pay attention.

The Skill Room

Yesterday our Sr. Jazz band got up early like usual, and began rehearsal like any other day.  Only one thing... one of our trumpet players couldn't play for a strange reason.  He could barely make music let alone organized noise, and it was like he went back to clumsily playing trumpet for the first time like in grade 7.  Since he couldn't do it, he just sat down, and didn't play.  So while everyone else played, he decided to pass time on his iPad.  Whether what he was doing was important or not, I don't know.  The teacher called him out on it about halfway through the rehearsal.  I could see it took a toll on him.  After he silently put the tablet away, he stared down at the ground obviously frustrated.  And then he started holding back tears.  I could feel it... he was not just frustrated, but confused, mad at himself, and embarrassed.  It seemed to me that the iPad was a good distraction from his frustration and other emotions.  But once that was taken away, there was no hiding it.  And the fact that he was starting to shed tears was all the more humiliating.  As his friend, I whisper-yelled his name and threw my water bottle to him, motioning for him to drink.  After all, drinking water when you're crying helps you stop.  Seriously, it works well.

Why was he feeling all those emotions on a day like any other?  I believe he has hit something not a lot of musicians see or experience... I've asked musicians about this experience that are four (maybe five) times my age and they have never experienced something like the one I described above.
I call this experience the Skill Room (not the best title I know).  Why?  This experience feels like your skills as a musician has been blocked off for a strange reason... like you are locked in a room with no access to your skills.  You don't feel it until you actually try to play.  You just start, expecting to make music like usual.  Then you realize that your playing/practice is under par.  Very under par.  It feels like a few years of experience, skills, and motor memory have been sucked out just as you picked up/turned on/sat down to play your instrument.  You can't buzz, set a proper embouchure, get your fingers to move right, and your focus level seems normal, yet somehow harder to conjure.  It is the one of the most frustrating things I have so far experienced, knowing I could full well play grade 9 (ten grades in my country's system) piano songs with ease but for that day I was limited to a grade 5 level.  It's frustrating enough to draw tears, which was what happened to my friend.

The Skill Room is something I've only encountered twice for the thirteen years I have been learning/creating music.  Both experiences in the same year.  Both of those days started just fine, but after that it was pretty depressing.  When all your skill just seemed locked out of you, you kind of just want to stop for the day.  And that's what I did.
I don't really know how to break out.  It kind of goes away after a night's sleep.  The next day, everything is back to the usual.

I didn't get to talk to him after rehearsal, but it seemed rough.  I hope he's doing okay right now.

I then began to think if other musicians see this room everyday, and if the room would be the reason of why they quit music.  I can only wish that those stuck in this terrible place would somehow either break out, or have someone help them.

The Ultimate Test

I reread my last post and realized something.  According to the guide, Asians always get As....
And are terrible drivers....
So how do Asians pass the driving test with an A when the examiner is praying that they will survive the test?

Mind=blown

By the way, I don't count.  I'm Asian and an okay driver... Only because I'm a failure as an Asian. :P

The Beginner's Guide to Asianess

1. Yoo mus tok rike dis.  No spek engrish well.  All "ah" turn to "er".  (e.g. instead of "tuba" or "honda" you say "tuber" or "honder".
2. No using your eyes for anything.  Use your zen.
3. Despite this, you must still be a terrible driver.
4. Never settle for anything less than an "A".
5. Because you are not a Csian, nor a Bsian.  You are an Asian.
6. You cannot use any batteries that are not AA or AAA.  When in doubt, go with AAA.
7. Kung Fu for morning exercises. (Can do Tai Chi in groups when senior citizens)
8. Homework first, then play...
six hours of main Asian instrument (violin or piano, your choice)
9. A in Math.
10. A in Physics.
11. A in Chemistry.
12. A in Biology.
13. D or lower in English and Social Studies.
14. Eat everything with chopsticks.  That means burgers and hotdogs.
15. That means soup too.  Drink soup with chopsticks.  Forks are for white people.
16. No flyswatters allowed.  Only chopsticks.
17. Should you need to rob a house, be sure to eat all the rice, fix the T.V., upgrade the computer, finish all the math homework available in the house, tune all the available instruments, and utilize all available martial arts equipment.  If done right, the owners of the home should still find you trying to back out of the driveway.
18. You must look like every other Asian.
19. Eat cats.
20. Eat dogs too.
21. It's not your fault if the neighbour's pet goes missing.
22. Cannot exceed 170 cm (5'6")
23. Good posture.  Unless you're a delinquent.  If so, slouch as far as your body will let you.
24. No spending money on makeup.  That's a waste of time.  If you have time for makeup, you have time for studying.
25. 75% chance your last name is either Lee, Chan, or Wong.
26. Love bubble tea
27. Remember, holidays are a good chance for you to get ahead of the class.
28. When in doubt, become a doctor.
29. No taxis, that's too much money.  Just walk.
30. Don't pay full price for anything.
31. Wear slippers around the house.
32. When punishing a child with a spanking, use the slipper.

The Patience Limit

So I'm typing this is after re-reading what I've written.  This post you're going to read gets kinda dark at the end.

I've been told I'm a patient person.  I have the ability to wait while others can't just sit still.  But I must disagree.  I'm not the most patient person all the time.  In fact, I hate waiting for things I look forward to.  But if they are events that I can't control the time in which it occurs (such as a present promised on a certain date), I just hold my frustration in and just wait.  That is the patience I get noticed for.  But to me, I don't think it's the healthy type.  Patience to me has always been coming to terms with the circumstances, and accepting it peacefully with grace and wisdom.  Weird, somewhat irrational, and not applicable in most cases, I know.  When I picture Patience in a human form, I think of an aging Kung Fu master in the sitting lotus position, meditating calmly on the side of a green mountain waiting for his tea to boil while the sun lights his hair with brilliance....
woah, really weird moment right there.

Anyways, I should start writing stuff that relates to the title.  Recently, a friend promised me a present of some sort.  What form it takes, I have no idea (yet).  It was supposed to be for Christmas, but she got busy, and did not complete it on time.  So she decided to move it to a later time, as a grad present.  Grad is at the end of May.
Like I said, I can be seen as patient. I was told I would receive the gift in the middle of January, and as soon as she told me that it wasn't ready, I was frustrated.  Not in a "I hate you, you should be more responsible" way.  More like "ah.  That sucks.  I can't wait!"  But, I knew when I would have it by, so I suppressed my frustration.  And I can turn it to satisfaction in late May.

She told me to be patient.  I asked, "how patient?"  I was then asked if I had a patience limit.  I never realized it, but I have never really had my patience tested to my breaking point.  Knowing myself, I might have a violent rage if I am pushed enough.  But I've done a pretty good job of keeping that in, conscious that I've been trained in more effective ways to hurt people.  One time, my sister was being extremely arrogant, so I yelled at her with language that is not normally allowed in my house.  Of course, she cried afterwards and I got in trouble...
Other than that, I have not been pushed with my patience more.  That was my only "popping" point.  Just as verbal outcry of literally 3 seconds.  However, I have had some terrible thoughts.  There's no shortage of people that would be dead right now had I did not use my strange yet effective suppression.
So when asked about my patience limit... I wondered what it would look like.  I don't know myself well enough to know exactly what I would do.  My go-to thought was harm other people.  But after a while, I thought that it would also be possible that I would cave and implode on myself.  I was told that there are two types of people who deal with anger: those who explode, and those who seem fine and then one day silently shoot someone.  Well as for me... I'm thinking I would seem fine for a long time... then cut everyone to pieces disregarding any future consequences.  Literally.
I don't really want to find out how I would look there.  Or how I would look like to other people.

I have officially found a new fear of mine: my breaking point.

Take what helps you!

The other day the missions class at school had a rehearsal for their band.  I'm not in their band or class, but being a senior and having experience in music, I decided that I would sit in to listen, enjoy, play along, and make suggestions.  I figured it would be better than playing alone. 
Unfortunately a girl (one of their singers) that was there didn't want my help.  I have no problem with people asking me not to help them, if they're respectful.  But the way the girl put it was... Personally aggravating.  She didn't mean any disrespect, but what she said kind of rubbed me the wrong way. 
She told me to stop singing because it was "messing her up".  Which I don't understand at all... Because the help I was trying to give was a basic skill: singing the melody.  The part everyone would sing along to.  I knew the song, and how it should go and sound.  And I was trying to help the rather disorganised band get that down first.  But the singer who asked me to leave was getting rid of her help... That doesn't make sense to me.  If she needs the melody and realises it, why would she want to get rid of the person who can help her?
...it was just aggravating.  I didn't see her logic, but she didn't kick me out with a bunch of attitude.  So I just left. 
After that I played out my frustration.  And decided that playing alone for that day was better after all. 

Awks...

This one's going to be a weird because it's flippin hard to put down what I have in mind right now. 
Recently, I had a conversation that made the other person feel really awkward.  However, I was perfectly fine.  Maybe because the other person said something that could be potentially embarrassing.  I thought, "it's fine, I don't feel awkward at all".  Right there, I had an epiphany...

I have done a pretty good job of eliminating common social awkwardness.  Such as saying goodnight and then starting another conversation,  passing other people when on a walk, going the same direction when trying to pass by each other, receiving/giving compliments to strangers, taking constructive criticism from an equal, or walking the same direction after saying goodbye.  A while ago I did exactly the last one with a friend, and she said it didn't feel awkward whatsoever because I didn't make it awkward.  Same went for a couple other people...

I came up with the idea that it takes two to feel awkward about your situation with another.  In person that is...
But over text or chat, you cannot read and feel expression as easily.  It's hard.  There is no vibe given from text, no facial expression, no observable body language like confidence and how the other carries themselves. 
I just think that if you have something important to say, do it in person.  It's easier to interpret, more expressive, and if you feel awkward, at least it will either be with someone else, or they will help you feel less awkward. 
Gah it's so hard to explain.  Time for sleep.